She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Sober January is a disaster.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
