My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
