STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize