To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
My apartment stinks of burning failure
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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