this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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