i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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