I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I think my fart just growled at me.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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