That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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