between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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