shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize