my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
