I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
