im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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