You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
