I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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