She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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