I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
