Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
