her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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