I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
