I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
