...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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