Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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