i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
