I wish I could teleport
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
