Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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