There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
