you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
