Im at strip club and am horny
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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