i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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