I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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