please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
