someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
