We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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