I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
