I am in a vortex of obligation.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize