We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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