see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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