There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
