Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Pants are for mortals
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize