Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
