Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
