once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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