Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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