My Higher Power is John Stamos
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
