If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
