i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
