I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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