Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Houston, we have a blender
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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