I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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