1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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