i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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