Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
