we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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