3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
