Banned from zoo.
Again?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
