ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
