You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
