We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
