My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
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