My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
