I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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