i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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