1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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