I could have mohawked her pubes.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
