Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
