I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
4 words: hood of his car
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
